Anxiety In First Trimester After Miscarriage

I have gotten several messages, emails, comments, you name it from beautiful people out there who have either: 

a. Gone through something similar and want to share their support or advice 

OR 

b. Those who are currently in the grasps of anxiety and fear of something happening and are looking for some words of comfort. 

So, today I wanted to sit down and let my thoughts about the whole thing hopefully flow from my memory, into this document and onto my blog. 

I found so much comfort in just reading or listening to others’ experiences when I was in the midst of it myself so I want to do my part in passing that good deed on. 

I knew that going into a second pregnancy after my miscarriage wouldn’t be a “everything is sunshine rainbows” experience. I knew that mixed in with the excitement would be fear. 

Fear that it would all go wrong again. Because there are countless couples that experience back to back loss, or multiple losses between successful pregnancies. 

I think the first thing that helped was realizing that I wasn’t alone. I knew people in my life that had experienced the same thing or something similar. And knew that there were so many incredibly loving and deserving people in the world that had difficulties getting pregnant. 

One in eight couples will struggle with infertility. That is a heartbreakingly high number. But chances are even if they haven’t talked about it someone close to you in your life falls into that 1 in 8. 

If it’s something that you know or think will help you then you can check out some online forums of other gals in the same situation as you, now or in the past. But you also need to be careful of these too because if you’re reading endless stories of loss after loss that’s not going to help you mental well-being. So find a healthy balance. 

The next thing that helps is to have your support person to talk to. This could be several people or just one. Is it your partner, your mom, your sister or best friend? It helps to have someone you to know to calm your nerves when you’re worked up and can’t get out of your head. Someone to say “Everything is going to be alright.” even when you can’t know that for sure. 

Next, find an outlet. I don’t know about you but when I felt like I was leaning too heavily on a loved one I felt guilty (even though I shouldn’t have, and I knew they didn’t mind). But I needed more than just conversation with others. I needed a safe place to just let it all out, no filter necessary. 

And I found that in journaling. For me this was a written journal, but for you it could be a video diary, art, a document on your laptop or phone, whatever works best for you. 

This was a space where I could just brain barf everything that was on my mind, no matter how ridiculous or minuscule it felt. It was so unbelievably cathartic to have a place to just get it all out. Out of my mind and somewhere else. It gave me permission to talk about it as many times as I wanted, in as much depth as I wanted. Without feeling like I had to find the right words to explain what I was feeling, but to just get it out of my head. 

An important thing to have through all of this is a health care provider you trust and feel comfortable with. My clinic constantly told me to call if I ever had any questions or concerns. I called in right after I found out I was pregnant to get blood tests, they booked me in for an early scan and each time I went in answered my questions and fears. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If this is a therapist, get one. If it’s asking a friend to meet you for diner, do it. 

I can’t recall if I did this, but when things feel like they’re getting out of hand I always return to meditation. Not only do I feel at ease after doing it, but the methods and lessons I learn from it help me throughout my days. 

And know that the anxiety will pass. It’s going to get better. You’re going to settle into your pregnancy little by little. That underlying question of fear might remain. It may creep to the surface every now and then. But finding ways to handle that when it does bubble up will be invaluable to you in the long run. 

And before you know it you will join the rest of the ranks of pregnant women, experiencing the joys of the life growing inside of you, but also all the fun little aches and pains. 

The most important message from todays post, what I hope you take away from it is the importance in finding ways in which to deal with the anxiety. What are your methods in overcoming that voice in the back of your head? 

And of course you’re not alone. You’ll never be alone in this. 

What have you found to help ease your anxiety? Even if it’s not related to pregnancy or loss? Share that below. 

Things I Do When I'm Stressed

We all get a little stressed and anxious at different points, and that’s normal and ok. I used to have pretty bad anxiety back when I was on the pill, and on top of that, I didn’t really know how to manage my stress or anxiety. 

Nowadays I thankfully have less stress in my life, but it still happens. And I’ve gotten a heck of a lot better at managing my stress. 

Today, I wanted to share my go-to strategies when I’m feeling stressed out or anxious. 

[Disclaimer: everyone's stress and anxiety are different. I’m lucky to have it pretty mild all in all, and what works for me might not work for you.]

In no particular order:

+ journal | this is my number one go-to thing that I do when I’m feeling out of sorts in any way. I will dig into my ‘normal’ journal when something just comes up and I need to get it out. But I’ve found that one way I can manage my stress, and work through things is with a daily practice of morning pages. This is where I sit down first thing each morning and write out three pages of just streaming conscious thoughts, basically whatever is in my mind. 

+ get out in nature | I grew up out in the woods, in nature surrounded by trees, the breeze and a whole lot of space. Regardless, I think removing yourself from the hustle and bustle of a city, and even if it’s just going to a park nearby, I find that nature soothes the soul. Take a book, your work, hang up a hammock or go on a walk. 

+ go on a walk/run | this is something that I’ve been trying to make a part of my daily routine. I would love to start running again in the mornings, but I try to take a break during the day and walk somewhere, whether it’s to run an errand like drop of library books or print something off from FedEx, I find that not only taking the break, but getting out and finding movement does a lot for me. 

+ brainstorm goals | when I’m feeling a bit lost in my direction, unmotivated or stressed about where I am I find that brainstorming what I want to achieve and coming up with a list of tangible steps forward never fails to make me feel more in control again. And I think having goals in general and pushing yourself outside your comfort zone are good things to keep you growing. 

+ meditate | you knew I was going to say this one didn’t you? But it’s so true, I even know that, and I’m not even that good at staying consistent with meditation. If meditation isn’t your thing I find that disconnecting and sitting quietly for ten minutes is nice as well. You can also try an app out there like Headspace or Calm. 

+ watch videos or read a book | this is a great way to get inspired, and if you’re having difficulties with something I guarantee someone else has been through it as well and either written a book, made a video on YouTube or wrote a blog post about it. I really enjoy videos and books that are about self-help and business related things. And there’s really something magical about watching someone talk about how they got more organized, inspired, cleaned up their house, got back on track and anything like that. 

+ learn a new skill/do something new | having a goal that is unrelated to work is such a good thing. Last year it was training for a marathon for me. This year I’ve been working hard to teach myself new skills related to creating better content, being more organized and taking on the business side of things, which isn’t my strong suit. I also really want to teach myself to play a song on the ukulele. Oh, I learning how to ride a longboard is a great challenge. 

+ check in on my sleep situation and nighttime routine | if you’re feeling out of sorts take some time to think through how you’ve been sleeping, how much sleep have you been getting and what do you do before bed to wind down? If you’re going straight from social media or staring at your laptop to jumping in bed and expecting yourself to fall asleep you’re not doing yourself any favors. Sleep is so important and people seem to think that getting less sleep is some sort of badge of honor. It’s not. 

+ step away | take a technology break, put down your phone, shut your laptop and just do something else. Whether this is a little self-care time, reading a book, running an errand. There are countless things you can do to just take a break from it all. Even if it’s just for 10 minutes. You have the time. 

+ have a get my life together day | this is usually Sundays for me, and I find that by having one day a week that I dedicate part of or all of to getting my life together just makes me feel better heading into the new week. So, I do things like clean my apartment, like deep clean, not the surface level cleaning you do to get you through the week. I pop in a load of laundry, finish up tasks from the week before, plan out the following week, and just basically all the things you put off during the week. Cleaning is also a coping mechanism of mine. 

+ listen to music | this is a great way to change the atmosphere. I like to pop on some tunes while I work, clean, get ready, and sometimes when I just need a break I’ll put on some loud, fun music and dance (*flail*) around like a weirdo. This is also a great thing to do while you’re out on that walk, run or in nature to de-stress. 

+ watch something light-hearted and funny | we all need a good laugh, and sometimes you need some help doing that. Whether it’s a quick segment of a talk show on YouTube or something stupid you found on Netflix, just escape for a bit and have a good chuckle. 

Now, the next two are my go-to’s if I’m feeling super anxious or on the verge of a panic attack:

+ get in the shower and sit down | something about water has always calmed me down. If I don’t feel well I’ll run a bath, but if I’m feeling like I’m going to have a panic attack (and I’m home) I will get in the shower and sit down and just work through it there. I don’t like being around other people in those moments and there really is something about the water from the shower coming down over you. 

+ practice a breathing technique of counting my breaths | if I’m not somewhere that I can get into the shower, or if it’s not to the level of sit in the shower I will count my breaths. Ten deep breaths, starting on the inhale (one), exhale (two) and so on. 

Like I said before we all have our different ways of handling stress that works for us. What are your go-to strategies? 

Anxiety + What I Do For It

A few weeks ago I shared in my Monday email that my anxiety had been kicking up lately, especially that past weekend. And I just wanted to say, I never write anything expecting a response or searching for one either, but all of the sweet messages I got were so nice, so thank you. 

I wanted to come on here and talk about some of the things I do when I find myself in a bout of anxiety. 

[But first I just want to start by saying, everyone's anxiety it different, and what works for me might not work for you. And I know my anxiety is pretty mild in comparison to what others are dealing with. This isn't a competition. I'm just doing my part in normalizing conversations about it.] 

My anxiety has been so much better lately then it was back in 2012/2013. And I attribute that improvement to some lifestyle changes:

+ getting out a relationship 

+ quitting hormonal birth control

+ going vegan 

+ getting into yoga/meditation/journaling

+ starting FemmeHead

I’m not an expert, nor probably very well informed when it comes to anxiety, but I think a lot of mine revolved around performance, not being good enough, or the fear of failing at life. And I still get bouts of this to this day. 

This wave of “what the hell are you doing?” will wash over me and I’ll find myself questioning all of my decisions and having this sense of "I’m going to fail, and it’s going to happen soon."

[Now, I really don’t want to offend anyone by any of my recommendations, because I know anxiety varies so much, and in no way am I saying you’re not trying hard enough. Everyone has to learn to handle their anxiety in the way that works for them. This is just what has worked for me.]

So, in no particular order: 

+ Journal — I find it helps so much to just get everything I’m thinking out of my head an onto paper. Not only does it help to clear my mind but it helps me work through things.  

+ Clean up my space — For me a cluttered space = a jumbled mind, and I find that not only is cleaning soothing for me but having a clean space helps so much with my mental well-being. Having a clear space gives me a sense of having my shit together. 

+ Meditate — I started meditating regularly during a particularly bad bout of anxiety surrounding working at the bar/restaurant. My mind races when the anxiety gets bad, running through all sorts of scenarios and such. I find that getting into the practice of being able to slow down and even clear my mind with meditation is so beneficial. 

+ Cut back on caffeine — I try to keep my daily intake to one cup before noon, but I find that one of the worst things I can do for myself when I’m feeling anxious is to drink more than one cup. (It’s a calming ritual to have something warm to sip on, but when the caffeine kicks in it’s not so calm). I try to switch to caffeine free tea. 

+ Pamper myself — This sounds trivial, but I find that if I set aside some time to take a nice hot bath, put on a face mask, do my nails or something to take care of myself really does help. 

+ Go for a run — Your exercise of choice might be something else but just being able to get out and blow off some steam, push yourself all feels great. Plus being outside in nature is good for my anxiety too. 

+ Write out a brainstorm list — This is something I did this last time. I sat down in my bed with my notebook and just wrote out everything I could think of that would help get ahead in life. Because this last time my anxiety was coming from fear of career failure and money I focused on everything I could do to take that next step forward. And I have to say this was one of the best things I did for myself. 

+ Meet up with a friend — I’ve been doing a great job this past year or two of getting together regularly with friends and family, but sometimes being social with someone you really enjoy being around is nice. Bonus if it’s a friend you can talk through things with. My friend I had coffee with a few weeks ago was so lovely and empathetic, and it’s nice to talk to someone you know gets what you’re going through. 

+ Talk through my “escape plan” — I don’t know about you but when I’m going through anxiety or depression I always have this escape route in mind. "If all else fails I can do this." Whether that’s 'go get a regular job' or 'buy a van to live in,' I like to let myself mentally play out that scenario and really go through whether that’s something I would want. And often it’s not. I mean I would love to build out a sprinter van one day to have for travel, but I really love my life and so that’s what I want to work on maintaining. 

+ Take action — Finally, it’s probably one of the hardest things to do when you have anxiety, but getting over that hump of fear and cracking down on something is what I find helps get me out of that slump. Sometimes my anxiety will crop up when I’m getting too stagnant in life, and it’s almost telling me to take that next step no matter how much it scares me. And I’ve found that once I started taking action things started falling into place. And I feel so much more jazzed about life and work now than before my anxiety showed up. 

Once again, my anxiety is probably much different than others, and there’s no doubt that others are suffering way more than I am. I’m thankful for my mild anxiety, and even though it sucks when it’s happening I’m so grateful it is where it is at now compared to five years ago.

I Meditated For 10 Days In A Row + What I Realized

One of my first days back from France, I was home alone working away on FemmeHead. I had cooped myself up all day so I decided to go outside on my long board since it was such a nice day out (and we’re creeping ever closer to the awful months of winter). 

It was a nice ride, but I remember coming back with this real sense of anxiety and stress in my chest, and I just remember thinking "I need to meditate". 

I had heard of an app called Headspace (no this is not a sponsored post, I wish). I decided to download it and give it a go. 

Ten minutes, I thought. I can do this.

I felt light years better afterwords. The anxiety had lifted from my chest and and felt a renewed sense of calm. So, I challenged myself to do the 10 free days of meditation in a row. 

I mean, honestly, who doesn’t have ten minutes out of their day to spare?

So, I began fitting it into my morning routine. 

+ wake up

+ write my morning pages

+ tidy for 15 - 30 minutes

+ meditate for 10

+ make a coffee/tea

+ make my to-do list

+ get started on work

On the morning of the tenth day I was sitting at my computer writing my Monday email for FemmeHead, and I could feel myself being pulled towards the red chair, pulled towards those ten minutes of calm.

Before these ten days I would meditate sporadically, never consistently. I thought I had to set up this sacred space (candles, intense, calm music, cushions, blankets and darkness) before I could begin meditating. And I thought I needed to do it for a long period of time.

As you can probably guess, because of this meditation always seemed like such a time consuming hassle that I rarely did it, which is a shame. 

What I’ve learned from these ten days is that I don’t need a sacred, pristine space. I can simply just sit down in the chair or lie down on the couch. 

There are no rules, I let my preconceived notions of meditation float out the window. 

It counts even if it’s just ten minutes, hell, even just one minute. 

I never thought I would like guided meditations. I thought I just had to sit there and keep my mind blank for 20 - 30 minutes, and that would work for me. 

At the end of my tenth meditation I went online and subscribed to a year long subscription, realizing that having someone guide me along is what I need at this point in my life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. 

I was having a rough day last week, and I found the calm I needed in that moment, in my breath. Yes, in simply just counting my breaths, 1 through 10 and starting over at 1 when I had reached 10. 

For at least a year now I’ve been drawn towards meditation, just knowing that it was something that would be really, really good for me. But I could never stick with it. Thankfully, I’ve found my solution for now. 

And my biggest take away — there is no right or wrong way to meditate. Let go of your preconceived notions of what it is supposed to do and find what works for you.