Talking to Your Partner About Your Cycle

Communication is crucial in a healthy relationship, and that includes talking about your menstrual cycle. 

Especially if FAM is your birth control method of choice. 

So, how does one bridge this topic of conversation? 

First off, I’d just like to say, in the case of most men I’ve met and talked to, they’re much more comfortable talking about menstrual cycle related things than we give them credit for. 

Yes, you might meet the odd, older man who guffaws at the mention of a menstrual cycle, but for the most part, people are chill with periods. And even older men are like yeah my wife has a period, my two daughters just started getting theirs, I'm not phased anymore. 

If you’re planning on using FAM as birth control you’re going to want to get nice and cozy with the idea of talking about the intricacies of your menstrual cycle, but a lot of what goes along with talking about charting has nothing to do with blood. 

People like information and facts so you’re going to want to have those ready in your back pocket when starting a conversation about using FAM. Is it effective? How does it even work? But that’s what so-and-so who’s Catholic uses and they have 10 kids. 

When I told Michael “Yeah, I chart and use the sympto-thermal method”, he responded with “Cool! How’s that work?” And he has gone on to become a very well informed partner. 

So, you’re going to want to explain to your partner how charting works and why it works as birth control. 

Then depending on what app or paper chart you use you might want to consider sharing that with them so they know where you are in your cycle. 

There’s going to be those conversations in the heat of the moment of, "I’m in my fertile phase so we can’t have sex today." And I’m not sure why, but some people think not being able to have sex or having to say ‘no’ is the worse thing possible, but I always ask myself, don’t they know about all the other fun, satisfying sexual activities they can explore? 

I’m going to let you in on something — you don’t always have to be available for sex. Gasp! This seems to be an argument in favor of hormonal birth control, “But, I can have sex whenever I want.” But this all depends on what your definition of “sex” is because like I said above there are so many things you can do in the realm of “sex” that doesn’t involve PIV sex. 

Another cool thing about opening up the conversation about your cycle with your partner is that they unknowingly learn when your different phases are. And yes, while there’s much more that goes into charting then guessing when you’re fertile or not, you’d be surprised the number of times Michael has made a comment about “Yeah, it’s around the time you usually ovulate” or “Your period is going to start soon, right?"

Just having your partner in the know, makes things run so much smoother. There should be nothing taboo about talking about bodies, menstrual cycles, fertility and charting between two people having sex. You should be open and honest with each other, and if you don’t feel comfortable talking to them, well, you might want to reconsider some things. 

While we were in Bali Michael and I sat down and filmed a video about FAM and your partner, which you can go watch if you’re curious about more. 

But the biggest takeaway I want you to have from today is to be open in your conversations. You might be nervous with how they're going to react to talking about menstrual cycles since we always thought we had to hide our periods from boys in school because they would make fun of us. But like I said before, guys are pretty cool when it comes to talking about periods. 

How did you start this conversation with your partner? How have partners reacted to this conversation? What have you found guys want to know when it comes to cycles? 

For Those Who Are Worried About You Using FAM

It’s inevitable when some people find out you’re ditching the hormones and choosing a natural alternative. 

There is a lot of confusion around fertility, birth control and our options. 

So, when you get a lot of “But, you’re going to end up pregnant!” try not to get too frustrated. 

Think back to when you didn’t know there was another way, before you knew how our fertility actually works. 

Here’s how to have a polite conversation with someone who is “concerned” about you not being on hormonal birth control. 

Start by sharing some of your favorite FAM, cycle, period facts. Pique their curiosity. [This is where books like “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” and “The Pill: Are You Sure It’s For You?” come in handy]. 

+ Did you know that women are actually only fertile around 7 days each cycle? And that’s mostly because sperm can live in a fertile vagina for up to 5 days.

+ Hormonal birth control alters at least 150 different bodily functions. 

+ FAM is actually very different from the Rhythm Method, and when practiced correctly is over 98% effective.

Tell them why hormonal birth control wasn’t working for you, people are often shocked when you start listing off all the negative side effects you were experiencing and how you don’t have any of those since quitting. 

+ I developed mild depress, anxiety, chronic UTI’s, gained weight, and had a substantial decline in my dental health after starting the pill [just to name a few].

Give them a brief overview of how FAM works. That there are different fertility signs that you track every day and use that information alongside a set of rules and guidelines to determine whether you’re fertile or not. 

Make it clear that this isn’t a guessing game based on past cycles. It’s based in science and what is actually happening in your body. 

And in the end they still might not be on board, but if you continue forward with your journey, learning, practicing the method safely and essentially “prove them wrong” you’d be amazed. 

Sometimes still when I talk about not being on hormonal birth control and using FAM instead people will make some comment about pregnancy or how it doesn’t really work. And my calm comeback is that I have been using it successfully for over 4 years now, I know countless other women who use it too, and that I am much healthier and happier than I used to be. 

Not to mention I don’t ever plan on taking hormonal birth control again. 

At the end of the day it’s your body and your choice. You get to decide. 

[If you're curious about ditching the pill, and what all that entails, grab your spot in my upcoming Ditch the Pill course, which starts August 21st. And if you're ready to learn all about FAM, sign up for my Chart Your Cycle course, which begins August 16th!]

Too Scared to Ditch the Pill?

I was here at one point.

There was at least a year where I desperately wanted to get off the pill, but didn’t think there were any non-hormonal options that would actually work for me.

I tried to look back in my old journals to see if I talked about quitting the pill. But there’s nothing in there that I’ve found where I specifically mention the pill.

But there were so many eye-opening entries in there that are mind-boggling and heart breaking to read. Because of how bad I had gotten mentally and emotionally that last year.

I want to share just a few paragraphs from different entries to give you a grasp of that time in life. 

July 2, 2012

“I want to feel like I’m floating, like I’m flying, like I’m not here. How do I do that, how do I feel that? Free, like I don’t exist. Invisible like no one can see me. So no one notices me? I wish I were a bird. I would fly and fall, glide and soar. Free from life.” 

August 9, 2012

“I’m really proud of myself today. I ate an apple and fiber bar for breakfast. An apple for lunch and a tuna sandwich for dinner. Plus I went for a run with Bob (my dog), did a lower body workout, twice and cardio pilates once.

I still want some pills. I’m thinking Hydroxycut. I need to check out where I can pick some up.”

August 17, 2012

“Slowly slipping deeper into this shallow depression that is surrounding me. Little by little, further and further down I go. It’s comforting to be alone. Then there are no fake smiles, no fake laughs to force out of myself to please those around me. When I’m alone I can quietly slip away.”  

This is just a taste of what was in there and it always breaks my heart to read these old journals. To know and remember what I was going through. And to so clearly see it now, but to know that I was completely blind to it then. 

And I know I wasn’t alone in that. That there are still countless girls and women struggling today because of their hormonal birth control. Either unaware that there are other options or too afraid to get off it. 

And I just wish I could sit down with you. Give you a hug. Tell you that you can do it. That there is another way. 

But also that you shouldn’t feel pressured to jump off that cliff until you’re ready. 

So, you want to quit, but you’re too scared to? What to do?

Educate yourself. 

Build your community. 

You’re not alone in your desire for a different way. And you’re not the first to venture down this path. 

Start with some books, take a class or find an online educator.

Taking the time to learn the method thoroughly and completely will put you at ease and give you the confidence you need to take that leap. 

Yes, there’s the chance of pregnancy, but you take that risk with every single method of birth control you use. That’s the choice and risk you take when having sex with someone. 

But if you want to avoid pregnancy and use FAM I promise you are capable and responsible enough. 

There are condoms, there are copper IUD’s, there are new advances in technology to help make your non-hormonal birth control journey that much easier.

And let’s not forget that there are plenty of fun physical and sexual activities you can do with your partner without the risk and fear of pregnancy that comes with intercourse.

Sex doesn’t just mean intercourse, don’t forget that. It’s an exciting spectrum of things waiting for you to try out.

When you first discover you can quit your hormonal birth control and use a non-hormonal option like FAM, the prospect is terrifying. 

We have been led to believe for so long that we are incapable of controlling our own fertility. But that’s a lie. You are more than capable of doing just that. 

I promise the more you learn, the more you let it sink in, and the more you hear from those of us already doing it, the more ready you’ll be to join the club. 

[If you're ready but want someone to help guide you through the process, to talk about what that entails and what to expect, my Ditch the Pill course is perfect for you. Sign up now for the relaunch August 21st! If you're new to FAM and want to learn how to properly chart your cycle, snag your spot for my Chart Your Cycle course, which starts August 16th!]

Using Ovulation Test Strips

Nestled right next to the pregnancy tests in your local drugstore, you’ll find these curious things -- ovulation tests. In fact, they’ve probably gone unnoticed by you for a good portion of your life. 

Obviously the most common reason these are plucked from that shelf are for women who have reached that point in life when they are ready to have a baby. But as we all know, that first starts with conceiving. 

Women use these to help time sex with their partners for what they hope is the best case scenario for sperm joining together with egg, to divide and multiply into a fetus. 

But recently I have noticed another group of ladies who are picking up these tests. Women who have the opposite goal — avoiding pregnancy. 

And it is because of this that I feel compelled to touch on this topic today. 

Right off the bat I’m going to say it:

Ovulation strips should not be part of your birth control method. 

And what I mean by this is they should not be a factor in your calculation of when you are fertile/not fertile. 

That doesn’t mean you can’t use them. I’ll talk about that in a moment. 

Ovulation tests or OPK’s (ovulation predictor kits) work by detecting the surge in your luteinizing hormone that causes the matured egg to burst from the follicle that it has been growing in. 

You can see why these would be very beneficial to women trying to conceive. Knowing when this surge is can help you time sex better. One the LH surge is detected successful fertilization is most likely going to happen one to three days following. 

And if you can recall another fact I’ve talked about before — sperm can survive in a fertile vagina for up to five days. And your most fertile cervical fluid is going to happen right before ovulation. 

But this fact also goes to show how relying on ovulation tests to avoid pregnancy can easily go wrong. By the time you have that LH surge unprotected sex in the day or two before that matters. 

This is why cervical fluid matters so much in detecting the beginning of your fertile phase. 

Because when you have ovulated in the past, doesn’t matter when trying to guess when you’re going to ovulate on that particular cycle. 

It’s not about the length of a cycle, it is all about cervical fluid and temperature on a daily basis, alongside a set of rules, to know where you are in your fertile phases. 

But so long as you aren’t relying on OPK’s for “birth control” there is no harm in trying them out for fun. 

We’re curious creatures. And awhile back I really wanted to know if I was ovulating around that time I thought I was because of my fertility signs. 

So, I bought some of the very basic, very inexpensive ovulation test strips off of Amazon and started dipping them into a cup of my urine every morning starting with my follicular phase just to see. 

And would you guess what? 

I was ovulating exactly when my fluid and temperature said I was. 

What I’m saying here is that if you’re either trying to conceive or just curious go ahead, use some ovulation strips. 

But if you’re trying to incorporate them into your birth control method, no don’t do that. I cringe and worry every time I hear someone say they are a part of their decision making process. 

If you want to chart your cycle as a natural form of birth control, yay, welcome to the club! But please learn an actual method. Learn it completely, and practice it as you are supposed to. 

No frankenstein-ing your own method together please. 

How I Chart My Cycle | Natural Birth Control

One of the biggest misconceptions about charting your cycle is that there is only one way to do it.

And this is pretty limiting because if you believe this and think you don’t fall within that certain method that you can’t chart. 

But there are so many different, amazing methods, variations and not to mention all the new technological advances that have been made.

I really do believe that there is a method for everyone. 

I started with the sympto-thermal method, which combines temperature and fluid. In the beginning I also used paper charts before switching to charting apps. I then used a fluid-only method for awhile, then temperature-only with the Daysy. 

So, what have I currently settled on for my Goldilocks charting method? 

I use the sympto-thermal method combined with the Daysy fertility monitor. The reason I like this so much is because I get so much confidence and security from both the sympto-thermal method and Daysy separately. So, using them in conjunction with each other has been really reassuring. 

With the symptom-thermal method you take your basal body temperature every morning at the same time. Two rules to note beyond having to take it at the same time is that you have to do it first thing before getting out of bed, even before just hanging out in bed for 30 minutes before getting up. The other rule is that you have to take your temperature after at least four hours of sleep. 

I used to just take my BBT (basal body temperature) with a simple BBT thermometer from the drugstore. But since getting the Daysy, that has become my thermometer in every sense. 

Not only does it calculate your fertility on its own, it also provides you with a temperature (after syncing it to the app) that you can then use in a more traditional charting method. 

And I take that temperature from my Daysy each day and put it into the Kindara app on my phone, where I also chart my cervical fluid each day, along with a slew of other things. 

So each time I go to the bathroom I will quickly check my fluid before going to the actual bathroom. It takes an extra like 5-10 seconds. Easy.

Some days I wish the Daysy had a digital screen that displayed your temperature, but usually I don’t mind spending the extra 30-60 seconds it takes to sync it to the app in my phone where you can get the temperature. 

All in all I’m very happy with my current method, and I love knowing there are a variety of methods and technologies for charting. 

Charting my cycle has taught me so much about my body, and I love that I can use the same exact method when the time comes that I am ready to try and get pregnant. Which is when a lot of women first start learning about their menstrual cycle. 

[Disclaimer: This post does not teach you FAM. I mention how to take your temperature and fluid, but don’t mention any of the rules.]

[Use the code “FEMME” at checkout to save some money on your Daysy]